Letting Go

This past week was a struggle for me. I wasn't surrendering myself to God and wasn't being as intentional about my Bible study this week. A neighbor of mine from back home had been sick with cancer for only a short time. He was a good man, and the cancer took him so quickly. He passed away last week and I distanced myself from God when that happened. I knew all along that it wasn't the right thing to do, but it seemed like the easier thing to do at the time (and sometimes still does) than dealing with what happened and talking to God about it. My neighbor's death brought back a lot of pain for me. He suffered through pancreatic cancer, the very same way that my aunt did. It took her quickly as well. Her death is the most difficult thing I have dealt with so far in my life. She was young and had two kids left in school. It didn't seem right. She had survived losing one of her daughters in a car accident, and then a few years later passed away herself from cancer. Their family was reduced from five to three in a matter of four years. It pains me still when I see my uncle and cousins, wondering what would be different if my aunt and cousin were still here with us. I had (and still have) so much confusion, anger, hurt and pain from their deaths and it hadn't resurfaced in a while. Until now, that is. I pushed it away as much as I could until now. I can't ignore it anymore though. Now dealing with the death of my neighbor means dealing with the death of my aunt and cousin again. It's something that I continue to struggle to give up to God and I suppose this may be his way of telling me that it's time.

That being said, while I was reading my Bible daily, I wasn't always allowing it to sink in. I wasn't allowing myself to think about what I was reading. The numbness was easier than letting myself feel. I realize that I need to be more intentional about communicating with God and being in his word, but it is something that I am going to have to continue to fight through.

I did find the treasure-seeker method effective for Bible study when I was being intentional though. The questions that Calhoun suggests while reading are,
"Is there an example here for me to follow? Is there a promise to claim or a command to obey? Is there a truth to be applied? Is there a prayer for me to pray? Is there a sin to be confessed? Is there a question God is asking me?"
Looking for specifics does help me focus and I was grateful for any bit of focus that I could muster up lately. When I began to write this I felt as though I wasn't going to have anything to write about. I hadn't been consistent with my Bible study and I certainly hadn't been spending the time with God that I had originally intended. But it isn't about that right now. God is working in me to take away pains that I have held onto for three years. No, they aren't gone right now. I don't think that they will ever be completely gone as death isn't natural. That is why it grieves us so much. But with God's help I can start to let some things go. I have full faith in God that he can and will do this for me.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." --Philippians 4:19