Not a Typical Day for Me

This week I chose to focus on the spiritual discipline of community. Loving one another, serving one another, praying for one another and forgiving one another were some of the things that I was to work on. A few weeks ago, a small group of friends and myself had committed to praying for one another. That was a good place for me to start. I had already been working on that and saw that since a few weeks ago when we had made that commitment to each other I had been praying for others more. Keeping that as a habit is something that I intend to do and hope that they and God keep me accountable for. Loving one another is a struggle for me. There are people who are easy to love. There are relationships that I enjoy investing time into. But there are people who are very difficult for me to love. It isn't always easy to show them Christ's love when they may be difficult to relate to, not very kind or some other excuse that I give myself to get out of showing them love. But that isn't the point at all. Those are the people that I need to show love most. I can be very selective in my relationships. Sometimes it never crosses my mind that I am leaving someone out, ignoring someone or completely blowing someone off. I act as if they do not deserve my time. After some of the things that I have done, I can see that I do not deserve their time! Part of loving one another for me has been opening myself to others.

I also learned about community from the other end of things this week. I experienced grace and forgiveness from a complete stranger. Monday morning I was running a little late for my 7:30am class. I made it out to the car, started it up and then realized that I had left something else inside that I needed for the day. So I bolted out of the car, frantically unlocked the door and sprinted back and went on my way. I was going with the flow of traffic when I looked back and see those dreaded lights. How did the cop choose me? I was going the same speed as the cars surrounding me. I stopped the car and waited for the coming doom. I handed over my license and registration as he told me that I had been speeding. My response wasn't much. I simply said that yes I realize that I was speeding, I am running late for my exam and wasn't paying attention, which isn't an excuse and I take full responsibility. He returned to his car, and came back with a ticket for me. It wasn't a good start to my day. Later that day I looked up how much this was going to cost me, $130 bucks! After my last class I headed straight to the court house to pay my ticket. I figured that I should pay it now or I would forget after I went home for Thanksgiving weekend. The clerk then informed me that I wouldn't be able to pay my ticket for a few days because the tickets are not in the system yet on the day that they are given out. I was a little bit annoyed. I was doing the responsible thing by going to pay my ticket and they wouldn't let me pay it! That meant I would have to go back on another day and I had just wasted a half hour. Later on that day my phone started ringing and the number was unfamiliar. I hesitated to answer it, but I did anyways. I was alarmed when he introduced himself as the police officer who had pulled me over that morning. I wasn't sure what he was going to say and honestly a bit scared. What did he want now? Turns out he had been trying to reach me the entire day. He had been calling my parents' house (our answering machine is on the fritz) since that morning and hadn't gotten through until about 4 pm. My sister then gave him a number that he could reach me at. He was calling to tell me that he voided my ticket. His reasoning was that he saw that I was very close to Cornerstone when he pulled me over and assumed that I was a student there. He then said that he knew I was feeling pressure for exams and paying for college and did not want to burden me with a speeding ticket, especially because I had a completely clean driving record. I thanked him multiple times, still not entirely believing what had just happened. He said that he wanted to do the Christian thing and show me some grace. He then said he hopes that I have a blessed Thanksgiving and ended our conversation. I was stunned. He didn't fit my typical stereotype of a cop. The fact that he had called my house multiple times throughout the day to let me know what he had done for me really blew me away. This person doesn't know me. He didn't have to do that. He has written plenty of speeding tickets over the years and not voided them. As well as this, he had left his number with my sister in case my parents wanted to call him. Naturally, my mother called him and he basically said the same thing to her. He served as a witness to my unsaved father yesterday by showing me grace, reasoning that it was out of Christian love. I also found a message in my email from the Cornerstone front desk saying that the officer had stopped in and left his phone number and requested that I call him. He had even come back to the school to tell me what he had done.

I've been thinking about this since it happened and I can't quite get past it. I was shown grace by a complete stranger and now still have the $130 in my bank account. But even better than that I was reminded of the grace that God has blessed me with. He shows me grace even though I sin and hurt him. His grace means much more than not paying a speeding ticket. His grace is so unmerited and wonderful, yet it took something like this to bring it to my attention. I'm left without words now, and that is okay. My gratitude for the voiding of a speeding ticket has turned my ear and heart to the voiding of eternity in hell. Instead I get to have a relationship with the one and only God while I am here on earth and for the rest of eternity.

Revival Starts with the Individual

"O Lord, revive thy work" -- Habakkuk 3:2

Charles Spurgeon focuses on this one sentence from Scripture in his devotional, and that is all that he needs to get me thinking. For those in the Church seeking revival, they must first look to themselves. Too often we criticize the church, the pastor, etc instead of looking inside ourselves. What are we doing to encourage revival? One by one, becoming unified in the practice of revival, the Church does amazing things through God.

Spurgeon discusses the prevalence of joining the Church because it is popular. Though this wasn't written in the present day, I believe this pertains to Christians today.
"Many people have recently joined the Church in our country. But are there any fewer cheats than there used to be? Are there less frauds committed? Do we find morality more extensive? Do we find vice coming to an end? No, we do not. Our age is as immoral as any that preceded it. There is still as much sin, though perhaps it is more cloaked and hidden."
I resonated very much with this statement. We hide our sin, sometimes letting ourselves believe that somehow makes it better. Why aren't we real with each other? Hiding our sin won't help us get through the problem of sin. I have certain relationships where I can be completely honest with someone, and I've seen the benefits of that. As well as that aspect, why can't we be real with God? He knows everything already. Hiding anything at all from him doesn't work. I feel as though the Church would grow so much more if we were real with each other and God.

Spurgeon also says that another proof that the Church is in need of revival is the absence of sound doctrine. I've had a recent experience that relates very well to this. My home church wasn't doing well. I can see now that it was in large part because of the lack of sound doctrine. We spent two years searching and praying for the right person to lead our church, having a temporary pastor in the meantime. It was only a few weeks ago that we felt God had given us the right person. He accepted the call to lead us. It was such a learning experience for me. This started happening when I was in high school, and I didn't really understand what was going on. Now looking at the situation I understand a little better. I can feel excitement in the church--not just because of a new pastor, but because of a new page for us all. We had a dry spell for a time. People were leaving ministry positions and volunteers weren't as readily available. I'm not by any means saying that the church I attend is experiencing a big revival, but things are slowly changing. I personally see revival as something that almost needs to be gradual. It gives all time to adjust and be unified in God. And it all goes back to the individual. Person by person, congregation by congregation, revival can happen and spread.

Another important point by Spurgeon is that we aren't praying for a revival of ourselves, but a revival of the Lord's work. We can't revive ourselves. God can use us to revive his work if we only ask for opportunities and listen to him when he answers.

"It is not a new person or a new plan, but the life of God in them that the Church needs."

Letting Go

This past week was a struggle for me. I wasn't surrendering myself to God and wasn't being as intentional about my Bible study this week. A neighbor of mine from back home had been sick with cancer for only a short time. He was a good man, and the cancer took him so quickly. He passed away last week and I distanced myself from God when that happened. I knew all along that it wasn't the right thing to do, but it seemed like the easier thing to do at the time (and sometimes still does) than dealing with what happened and talking to God about it. My neighbor's death brought back a lot of pain for me. He suffered through pancreatic cancer, the very same way that my aunt did. It took her quickly as well. Her death is the most difficult thing I have dealt with so far in my life. She was young and had two kids left in school. It didn't seem right. She had survived losing one of her daughters in a car accident, and then a few years later passed away herself from cancer. Their family was reduced from five to three in a matter of four years. It pains me still when I see my uncle and cousins, wondering what would be different if my aunt and cousin were still here with us. I had (and still have) so much confusion, anger, hurt and pain from their deaths and it hadn't resurfaced in a while. Until now, that is. I pushed it away as much as I could until now. I can't ignore it anymore though. Now dealing with the death of my neighbor means dealing with the death of my aunt and cousin again. It's something that I continue to struggle to give up to God and I suppose this may be his way of telling me that it's time.

That being said, while I was reading my Bible daily, I wasn't always allowing it to sink in. I wasn't allowing myself to think about what I was reading. The numbness was easier than letting myself feel. I realize that I need to be more intentional about communicating with God and being in his word, but it is something that I am going to have to continue to fight through.

I did find the treasure-seeker method effective for Bible study when I was being intentional though. The questions that Calhoun suggests while reading are,
"Is there an example here for me to follow? Is there a promise to claim or a command to obey? Is there a truth to be applied? Is there a prayer for me to pray? Is there a sin to be confessed? Is there a question God is asking me?"
Looking for specifics does help me focus and I was grateful for any bit of focus that I could muster up lately. When I began to write this I felt as though I wasn't going to have anything to write about. I hadn't been consistent with my Bible study and I certainly hadn't been spending the time with God that I had originally intended. But it isn't about that right now. God is working in me to take away pains that I have held onto for three years. No, they aren't gone right now. I don't think that they will ever be completely gone as death isn't natural. That is why it grieves us so much. But with God's help I can start to let some things go. I have full faith in God that he can and will do this for me.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." --Philippians 4:19

Two Ways to Meet Jesus, neither being death

As I began to read Madame Guyon's devotional I wasn't drawn in right away. I wondered if continuing on was worth it, but the reading was only a handful of pages so I did. And I realized that what was so good about it was that it is so simple. I say simple not meaning plain or boring, but that she is short and to the point. I grew to appreciate her style as I don't read much that is written in this way. I found this her devotional very practical.

She discussed what she called, "two ways to meet Jesus". The first is praying the Scripture. It reminded me of lectio divina in many ways, and was good to hear again. The second way she discussed she called beholding the Lord. The first step she talks about is quieting the mind. How difficult could it really be? As I was reading the devotional I could see that my mind wasn't solely focused on reading. I was thinking about other things that happened during the day and plans I had coming up. I also found myself writing this blog in my head as I read. I couldn't get myself to just read it. I feel as though this is especially true when reading Scripture. I let my mind wander. It takes discipline to quiet the mind, a discipline that I need more of.

She recommends taking pauses while reading Scripture and coming into the presence of God. Take pauses to slow ourselves down. Take pauses to keep our focus on God, keep ourselves in check. My favorite thing that I took out of her entire reading was this, "You are not there to learn or to read, but you are there to experience the presence of your Lord!" It refreshed me to hear that. I feel as though I'm going through a robotic routine sometimes when what I really need to do is wake myself up and realize that I am reading Scripture to be in the presence of God. That is a BIG DEAL!!! I want to experience God in this way.

And He said, "My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." --Exodus 33:14

Bearing our Cross

It seems to me that fasting is often practiced out of Biblical context. In class we spent a few minutes discussing how people fast during Lent. We fast from sweets, from facebook, from TV, or something else that is usually beneficial for us. And while we fast, we have such a hard time keeping it between ourselves and God. Part of us wants other people to know that we are making a "sacrifice" and think good of us. Fasting during Lent has become in large a selfish practice, not about God at all. In Isaiah 58, the people are wondering why God is counting their fasting as nothing. It's because they weren't living a fasting life. It really helped me understand fasting better to hear that fasting is a fast from sin. If while we are fasting from food our behavior is less than acceptable, of course we aren't getting anywhere. Fasting isn't an easy practice to grow closer to God. It is us participating in Christ's suffering, by far only a minuscule representation.

The connection between fasting and prayer was really prevalent for me the past couple of weeks. It felt as though I had focused on prayer last week, and now this week added fasting and focused on both. Fasting without prayer is a set up for failure. It wasn't easy to fast. It was especially helpful to have others fasting as well so that we could keep each other accountable. I hope to be able to fast on my own, keeping it between myself and God as I attempt to practice fasting more.

I have found it a blessing and a struggle to fast. Participating in Christ's suffering is such an important part in our Spiritual growth and helps us understand so much more what we have been given and how much we don't deserve it. Fasting should encourage us to focus on God and others, relinquishing our selfishness.

"Jesus has many lovers of His kingdom of heaven, but he has few bearers of His Cross. Many desire His consolation, but few desire His tribulation. He finds many comrades in eating and drinking, but He finds few hands who will be with Him in His abstinence and fasting...But those who love Jesus purely for Himself, and not for their own profit or convenience, bless Him as heartily in temptation and tribulation and in all other adversities as they do in time of consolation. And if He never sent them consolation, they would still bless and praise Him."
--Thomas a Kempis

Faith Alone is Enough

How do we know about God? We have general and special revelation. We have the Bible, and others who told us about him. The natural consequence of turning from God is not knowing him. Athanasius says, "In a word, impiety and lawlessness were everywhere, and neither God nor His Word was known." How sad and hopeless would life be if things were left this way! But God, in his grace and mercy, created us as image bearers despite our turning from him.

Living as if God were present sounds simple enough, but is it really? When I consider every part of my life it is plain to see that it isn't! I sin, fail and knowingly hurt God. That isn't living like the almighty, all powerful God is with me. Christians want to give themselves wholly to God and God wants this too. It will be a struggle, but a worthwhile one. "Though I have done it imperfectly, I have found great advantages in this practice. I am aware, however, that all of these advantages are to be attributed to the mercy and goodness of God, because we can do nothing without him--especially me!" The reason we give ourselves to God is for God, not for ourselves. It is so that through our triumphs we can praise God. It is so that through our failures and struggles we can turn to God and ask for help and learn through them, being thankful even for that. What if it were our natural instinct to do what God wants? By making a habit of living as if God were present we can begin to do that. Brother Lawrence calls the idea of this a holy freedom.

"This practice produced in me so high an esteem for God that faith alone was enough to satisfy all my needs." I've decided to make this my prayer. I want to be that satisfied in God. About four years ago I watched a video series by John Piper where I memorized a quote that keeps popping up in my head as I think about this. "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him." Our satisfaction in God brings him glory. We need no other reason to want satisfaction in God apart from that.